Grief is a weird thing. It feels a lot like suspense, like you are just sitting around and waiting for something to happen.
You can’t start anything new.
You can’t settle down.
You have this constant restless feeling and an overabundance of time to think and feel.
For me, this manifested when my father passed on this month last year. I couldn’t wrap my head around what had happened.
For a long time, I thought this is just one bad dream, that I will wake up and be relieved that this was just one bad dream.
But no, this was no dream. It was as real as nightmares come.
God was supposed to be good.
He was supposed to take care of those who loved Him and listen to our prayers.
Why didn’t He take care of my dad? Why had He not answered my prayers?
This lack of understanding soon turned to anger.
It turned into restless nights of screaming at God, telling Him that He didn’t know what He was doing, and asking Him where He was.
For months I was depressed, hurt, and angry.
But after a while you get tired of being angry.
Anger is a poison that eats you.
One night I got tired of being angry.
It was at this night recently when I got tired of being angry at God that He explained His process to me.
Following God does not mean saying a prayer and receiving a magic lamp that will solve your problems.
Following God means daily surrender and trust.
God wants us to surrender our dreams, desires, and ideas of what we want our life to look like to Him, and trust that what He has in store for us is so much better, even if the process is painful.
That is exactly what I did that night, and it was the best decision I have ever made.
However, just because it is a good decision, does not mean it is an easy one.
Following God is a never-ending process of obedience, which honestly, I have never been good at.
I have always marveled at the courageous, faithful people in the Bible.
I have always desired a faith like David’s or Abraham’s.
I have wondered how anyone could possess a belief so strong in God that they would boldly fight giants, that they would be willing to sacrifice their own son, knowing that God’s plan is always best.
Even though I desired it, this kind of blind devotion was always something that I shrugged off.
I thought that it was impossible to fully rely on God in a world that teaches you to rely on yourself.
But I have learned to listen to God’s voice and faithfully obey it even when I don’t see any rational outcome.
Noah built his ark with no sign of rain, and that is something that has inspired and challenged me more than I can put into words.
This inspiration could not have come at a better point in my life.
Right now, when I am trying to sort through life and business, is when I will make the choices that affect the rest of my life.
I have learned to do my best and let God do the rest.
I have learned to keep my heart pure and learn to seek the best out of people.
I have learned to let go of the chip on my shoulder and trying to be smart with people.
I have learned that I don’t have to have it figured out, that instead of pressuring myself to take action, I just need to listen and obey.
I have learned that I won’t find God’s purpose for me unless I seek Him “not only above all things, but instead of all things.”
This means that I have to let go of areas of my life that God doesn’t approve of.
I have to take responsibility for my careless sinning and selfish ambitions, even though it makes me uncomfortable.
I have learned that all success really requires is that I keep a loose grip on my plans and my ears trained to hear God.
Throughout life we are challenged and hurt.
We have moments of feeling worthless, unloved, and inadequate, but because of God all these feelings are temporary.
What is eternal is laughter, joy, redemption and triumph.
Faith is trusting God even when you don’t understand His plan.
Our stories will never be somber tales of tragedy, but triumphant ones of God’s unrequited love and faithfulness.
All that is required for this happily ever after is a wise God and a willing fool.
I’m a willing fool.